Lucky to be born

Listening to: Funeral of funerals by Drottnar – actually that is a lie – afraid I just can’t do Viking metal! Even I can’t get through all of this. Much better That’s All Right Mama by Swedish band Urban Turban, complete with Swedish Pipes. Their label says, ” This music could be what would happen if you somehow traveled back in time and described the blues to a primitive Finno-Ugric tribe, using only sign language, and then they decided to put on a farewell concert for you before you left. Wow. So long, and thank you for all the fish.” – and if that doesn’t make you want to listen, nothing will.

But…onto the blog. Moving back to the croft has definitely been a change. Not for me that celeb night life, paparazzi and pizza. It is not that bad really at all. Who knew a male adult pig has 33 teeth, or that a rig pig is a young pig that has only had one testicle drop? This is gold I tell you. When the quiz night looms you will know who to thank.

Apart from advanced animal husbandry, I have had the chance to root out the old family tree. My great uncle warned me no good would come of it, and I suppose it is safe to say when you find Sir John the Inept or Sir Edmund the Alchemist (who paid for a license to transmute base metals to gold), it doesn’t bode too well for an inheritance. My great uncle’s gloom may also have been caused by his wife’s cooking, which would dampen the spirits of even Dan Gorske (who in 2018 ate his 30,000th Big Mac – a world record).

Did I mention by the way, that I have just discovered our doctor is in fact Bono – in a U2 tribute band, but that again is a story for another day.

After finding the previous unfortunate ancestors, I stumbled across some viking ones. Being descended from Odin (however dubious) was at least a promising start. They were Drotts – a kind of warlord or local king – again, promising. Unfortunately though, I discovered that I am actually just lucky to have a family tree rather than a stump. Moving father to son:

Yngve – when he died, his men kept it quiet for three years and had taxes paid to him in a hole in the ground. What did they think he was doing in there for three years?

His son Fjolne – fond of a drink or 20. He got up in the night drunk, fell through the floor and drowned in a vat of mead.

His son Swegde – got drunk, was kidnapped by a dwarf and never seen again.

His son Vanlande – married Driva, daughter of Snae the Old. Nipped out for a paper, and after three years she suspected something was amiss. She got a witch to conjure up a demon horse that trampled him to death in his sleep – the first nightmare.

Visbur – upset his 12 and 13 year old sons by not giving them their full pocket money, so they burned him alive in his hall.

Domald – sacrificed to put an end to a famine.

Two generations pass, then Dag the Wise. He was so smart he could talk to birds. His favourite, a sparrow, was his top spy. It was killed by a farmer, so Dag gathered an army to take revenge and was killed by a pitchfork to the head, possibly his weakest point!

Agne – killed Frode and married his daughter. When he got drunk, she hanged him.

Next up, the brothers Alric and Eric. Killed each other in a fight with horse bridals.

Then more brothers, Yngve and Alf -killed each other to death over who had the best wife.

Hugleik – rich but got stabbed.

Jorund – hung king Gudlog of Helagoland. Gudlog’s son, Gylog of Helagoland hung him back.

On – had ten sons. He sacrificed them one at a time in order to live longer himself. Killed nine before he discovered it didn’t work.

Egil – forgot to tell the sacrificial bull it was to be stabbed, not the other way round.

Ottar – fed to wild beasts by Danes.

Adil – fell off his horse and died.

Eystein – burned alive in his hall.

Yngvar – stabbed.

Onund Landclearer – chopped down the trees and was killed in a resulting landslide.

Ingjald the Bad – murdered and cheated till he got drunk and accidentally set fire to his own hall.

Olaf Treefeller – didn’t make enough sacrifices, so he was sacrificed himself.

Halfdan Whiteleg – held prisoner till he agreed to become the Drott.

Eystein – fell overboard and drowned.

Halfdan the Mild – he survived, until he didn’t.

Gudrod the Hunter – His wife had him murdered when he was drunk.

Olaf – died of a foot infection.

Rognvald the Mountain High – don’t know what happened to him.

Finally, rivalling being kidnapped by a dwarf, a personal favourite comes Halfdan the Black. Cattle crap melted the ice he was crossing, and he drowned.