Viking blood

Listening to: Kapakka in the Kaupunki by Bobby Aro and Who hid the halibut on the poop deck by Yogi Yorgesson. In 2008, the St. Louis County Board designated County Highway No. 7, from U.S. Highway 53 in Twig to State Highway 169 in Mountain Iron, as the “Bobby Aro Memorial Highway.”

Watching: The Saga of the Viking Women and the Sea Serpent a Roger Corman classic

The Colonel is at it again. When he launches his latest theory, it will inevitably only end one way. We have had the Pictish Palace theory, which did ensure that Slackbuie lived up to its name, as the ‘yellow hollow’ was certainly filled with yellow – yellow earth movers and diggers which unearthed a not so Pictish sceptic tank. Fortunately, the cafe now has its toilets operating again.

Then, we had the landing site of Noah’s Ark at Cnoc an t- Sagairt (Priest Hill). Now don’t be fooled into thinking that the Colonel saw a religious name for a hill, and thought Noah’s Ark. No, the evidence was much stronger than that – large cats have been seen in the area. Obviously these were descendants of the panthers on the Ark, where else would they have come from? My question is, where are the elephants then?

At the risk of encouraging conspiracy theorists everywhere, the coat of arms of the town of Inverness did have an elephant and a camel on it. Coincidence?

I can’t deny being a little taken aback. After the incident with the viking re-enactment group, I never expected to see the Colonel resurrect his viking research. Knowing the erudite arguments that anyone debating with the Colonel will face, I am going to make sure my next comments are properly backed up. His latest theory is that a viking chief, Jerk the Laenker* may (or may not) have fought a battle at Slackbuie. Depending on which records** you read, the battle was fought (or not fought***) in 780AD. The vikings attacked (or didn’t attack) from above (or below) and Jerk may (or may not) have been killed in the victory (or defeat).

The only available workers that the Colonel could press for his empty exhumations, were the local school pupils, and somehow he convinced the teacher of the educational opportunities of finding the resting place (or not) of Jerk the Laenker. Consequently, we now have a constant flow of cars taking the budding archaeologists to Accident and Emergency with, severed fingers stored in freezer bags, crushed feet from falling rocks and a trowel that will need to be surgically removed.

I blame it on the summer. The long light nights have encouraged the Colonel into reading more, and he has found inspiration in the work of three Scottish writers and folklorists from the 1920’s. Lewis Spence – believed that Scots were in fact direct descendants of people that escaped Atlantis, which gives them a special cultural background all their own. Alexander MacKenzie – came from just north of Slackbuie, so a particular favourite of the Colonel – he believed that in ancient times the northern hemisphere had been populated by Buddhists, so Buddhism was in fact the pre-Christian religion. Finally, David MacRitchie – his theory was that fairies were in fact a native population of “aboriginal dwarves”. Not my words, and I am not making this up.

In a bid to outdo the Colonel, I decided to do a bit of research on the Willox Dixon family tree, and what did I discover? It hasn’t always been a swirl of Martini’s and media moguls. My ancestors included more than one Drott, and we are directly descended from Odin. Let the old blowhard put that in his trumba and smoke it!

To be continued…

Footnotes

* Jerk the Laenker. The names come from Old Swedish. Jerk is a variant of Erik, meaning ‘king forever’. Laenker is old Swedish for ‘chain‘. Vlad the Imbiber, who for many years was personal taster to Prince Ogolyubsky, is one of the few to mention Jerk, in relation to a failed attempt to poison the Shchi and Ukha. Surprisingly, Snorri Sturlasson doesn’t mention Jerk once in the Edda, and research suggests that no-one famous has ever gone by the name Jerk. It is possible that Jerk the Chain comes from a confusion with an earlier Latin Text, Plumbarius Congregari Mundi.

**Slackbuie? in Marr eda hundr (2006) University of Southern Underedal. (Underedal is famous for its population being outnumbered by 5 times as many goats).

***Feigr Fotr (unknown date c. 800AD) – Library of the Plumbing Union of Australia (FeFot 2791) (Thought to have been written on parchment made from compressed dry foot skin)